On #metoo

Oct. 17th, 2017 12:36 pm
vvalkyri: (Default)
[personal profile] vvalkyri
I wrote something long, and I want to put it on FB, but I also want to sit on it a little while first, because I'm afraid of the shitstorm. What I'm not going to include on FB is that part of what has made me so angry is helping a male survivor friend find the words for feeling erased and silenced (he later realized he's staying off fb because triggered) over the certainty that within his FB circles were he to post "me too" he'd be assumed to be joking and yelled at for same.
re #metoo. I thought I was a woman without a story, but then I thought a lot more and realized they simply weren't filed that way. Finding the files . . . isn't comfy.

Looking back with a "I wonder if that counts" and a realization that "yeah, that probably counts as harassment" or "oh, yeah, that was actually kinda scary" or "oh I forgot how upsetting/confusing that encounter was despite my realization that $otherparty was probably sure I was good with it.*"

I don't have anything big to share. I get catcalls and honks rarely enough that they usually make me smile (as long as the car keeps right on going). I've never had people stop me on the street and tell me to smile (and it brightened my day immensely the time someone - who kept right on walking - said something like "you're beautiful don't look down!") So on the street harassment side of things either I'm a mutant or oblivious or invisible.

What I wrote in one comment was "Yeah, if I were to post 'me too' I'd have to reach all the way to "well, one of the times when I was walking down the street in FL in a skirted tankini it was a bit freaky because a pickup slowed down a lot and I moved farther from the street, and there was that time I dressed differently for work and one of the guys in Test /thanked/ me not once but twice for wearing that outfit and oh yeah there was that time I made a flasher run away and okay it was uncomfortable when a former coworked loomed over me, hands on the arms of my chair, to suddenly declare his love.**"

Thing is, the more I think on this all the more I notice. The more I notice in the moment as well, that it'd be nice if this guy weren't trying to push for a kiss on the cheek or randomly rub my shoulders.

The more I notice that damn it's awkward when $otherparty posts an ihave and I had decided it wasn't worth trying to hash out what was weirdness before.

The more I'm surprised that I've only seen a couple people bail from FB a few days because it's triggering to them.

The more I watch some of the countermemes and countercounter memes and people trying to assert that saying one has accidentally done harm is not taking responsibility and I want to scream because this Saint Or Unsalvageable culture isn't doing anyone any favors, because damn straight one can realize after the fact that that thing wasn't cool, or was harmful. And even concepts of consent were way different in past decades. And person B can be traumatized while person A thinks there's consent. If everybody keeps insisting only pariahs ever violate consent, then I'm A Good Person So The Things I Do Are Good comes in. If it's recognized that everyone is capable of screwing up then there's way more ability to figure out when one needs to do better.

And there are meme variations I applaud. I applaud that a lot of folks have moved to "If every person who has experienced. . . ." instead of "If every woman," because words matter, and there's very little cost there to being more inclusive***.

I applaud that there's an #ihave meme. That there's a bunch of guys and sometimes gals saying that yeah, there's stuff in their past they're not proud of. That there's stuff they should have known better about, and they talk about what they're doing to make a difference.

I applaud that this #metoo deluge has done exactly what it said it wanted -- to highlight that boyhowdy it's universal****.

I applaud that this #metoo deluge has started a conversation about harassment. About bystander intervention. About saying "hey that's not cool" when someone says something that bolsters thinking it's okay to treat women as objects. Or when someone makes a woman lesser in the workplace. Or jokes about doing something terrible.

I applaud that it looks like this #metoo deluge has helped it feel more safe to speak about things many of us want to hide. Because there is often shame in thinking oneself victim. And there is also shame in realizing one has caused harm.

I'm still not sure how it feels that the #metoo means that stuff that didn't bother me is kinda bothering me ;-/

And yeah, I also get that there's a level of notcool in putting the onus on those on the receiving end. Partly for that reason.

I've been typing too long. This isn't polished. And maybe it's too all-over-the-place. It might be unclever to post this -- I can't spend too much time on the computer today. But it's a bunch of stuff I've been thinking about for several days now.

* and yes I recognize that despite what I said I wrote in that one comment I could indeed declare more than just the bits of 'yeah I guess that qualifies' I mention. Thing is, I'm really not keen on claiming the mantle of victim and I certainly don't want to throw the other title on someone for whom it's flat out not accurate. (because people seem incapable of grokking that one can violate consent without that being something one would ever intentionally do.)

**that was 20 years ago. we'd been watching TV in his basement; I'd been surprised his wife wasn't home. He saw how frightened I was and backed away and we had an awkward moment and I left and we had no further contact. He'd been one of my favorite work friends and work travel partners.

*** honestly, it really made me angry that when I suggested "rather than silencing/erasing those who have experienced harassment, assault, or rape and are not women, can we popularize instead the wording of "If all those who have been sexually harassed or assaulted wrote "Me too" as a status, we might give people a sense of the magnitude of the problem" that was seen as undue catering to the menz. From some of the same folks who criticized women's marches having slogans about vaginas 'because not all women have vaginas' and Joss Whedon for saying he wrote strong female characters by writing a strong character without dick and balls, 'because some women have them.' I get that it sucks to feel erased in those latter situations, but maybe also some empathy for those who are getting a message of 'you're not a woman so your rape doesn't matter?'

**** And I hate that I watched someone get slammed for expressing surprise at just how much of his feed was filled. Especially since it's really based on social circles and what FB thinks you want to see. I know people who are seeing /nothing/ but posts related to this and others who've barely seen any. My feed has included men posting #metoo, and others have seen no men at all.
I need to get off the computer.

(no subject)

Oct. 14th, 2017 04:26 am
vvalkyri: (Default)
[personal profile] vvalkyri
:decides that yes she does want to make the noon class:
:considers whether showing up at the late night at 220 am was unclever:
well, yes, but those dances were quite nice.

The whole day was a mess, but as noted it was fortunate the honor flight got there pretty late. They just about coincided with a visiting soccer team who decided that sure, they'd join in the cheering. Which was great. I met the 96 year old guy who will be laying the wreath tomorrow, uh, today. And I danced a little with one guy and talked with him a while. I distributed lipstick prints to take home on badges, and one on a cheek as directed by the photographer.

I talked a long while later, keeping myself from getting to the main dance. Learning about the bus honor flights, and how they also go to the D Day museum in Virginia. And then spent an hour in the parking lot laying some seeds with someone who saw taking a knee as against the military. I mentioned that a navy seal had suggested the knee as a gesture of respect, and then the conversation touched on how it rather sucks that black people are so much more likely to be shot by police in traffic stops. He had strong opinions on trayvon martin, which i ignored in favor of introducing him to Philando Castile, and several others that yeah, he hadn't known of and that was indeed awful. Laying seeds. Teach deescalation. Concepts of unconscious bias. There was more, but i should sleep. I'll try to remember more later.

Then what was to be a short visit with Duncan or initially was to be far earlier in the evening when the Flight was expected to end at 8. It'd been too long. I left 145 and got to the late night at 220, but did get a couple nice dances in. I /think/ it was worth it.

But morning's going to come quickly. Not sure whether to set an alarm.

hi from the Fair Oaks Marriott...

Oct. 13th, 2017 07:50 pm
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[personal profile] vvalkyri
Well, I went nuts trying to actually get out of the house in time to make it out here for quarter to 7 but the Vets aren't actually here yet so I've gotten mostly gussied up I'm feeling to find all sorts of things like some of my red shoes or the belt I would like to wear or Fray check so that I don't further destroy that are red and white dress by as it is my timing cuz I don't see any other dancers here... So I've gotten some caffeine into me and maybe I'll show up at the first Bamboozled dance or maybe I'll show up at City Swing or maybe I will try and say hi to Dunkin but things are at least somewhat improved

(no subject)

Oct. 13th, 2017 03:39 pm
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[personal profile] vvalkyri
I'm really not doing very well today. I think some of it is likely that asthma is out of whack, and that's contributing to exhaustion, but it really doesn't help that the phone has decided it doesn't make sound (though it will make sound into earphones.)

I'm also less than happy that today is one day too late to pay a parking ticket I'd been thinking to contest, and i really doubt I'll get anywhere contesting, but it was accidentally parking in a metrobus zone, because now that meters are boxes and you go put a slip of paper in your car it's easily possible to walk a carlength to the box and print out a slip and pay to park in a no parking zone. All the other cars around me also had tickets. $100 to pay that ticket was galling, but I'm really hoping they'll at least waive the late penalty.

Remembering I had to deal with that ticket is what kept me from going back to sleep when I could have. And now, I'm planning on going out to an honor flight for 6:45 and I had hoped to find some fray check before that because my beloved Red and White dress is trying to self destruct. Finding any of the belts or other accessories I'd want to wear for this or any other dress isn't happening.

It's truly amazing how much time I can lose.

The plan tonight is to go out to honor flight (bus, really) in Fairfax, and then possibly some sort of dancing (blues at glen echo, swing in dupont, probably not acro or swing in baltimore) and then some of the blues late night, partly because I went and bought a ticket to the workshop weekend, which was honestly very silly given how far from motivated I am at the moment to spend saturday and sunday in classes. I do want to go to the saturday late night at The Keep, though. Sunday will be nice. Maybe I'll want to go to acro for some of it.

I don't actually have to go out there to the honor flight thing, but I know it would be nice of me, and I really miss honor flight. Just even looking for my usual shoes seems insurmountable.

Actually eating something would be clever. I

(no subject)

Oct. 13th, 2017 12:36 am
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[personal profile] vvalkyri
You really gotta listen to A Ha's acoustic Take On Me because it is beautiful.

In other news, the magic after Interfusion is gone, and I've finally cut off the pretty blue sparkly wristband, because I've lost the focus and I've lost the lightness and I've lost the energy and I've lost the momentum. And I don't know how to find it again, because all of that at Interfusion was because so many things intertwined to get there, and it wasn't just Qui Gong, or Mindful Meditation or Tantra or Cuddle Party. But a combination of all those things.

It was nice to wander The Wharf some this evening. I even ended up on the news roasting marshmallows. I went through some things in my closet and am not happy about what doesn't quite fit, and have never tried on purpose to lose weight and on the one hand simply getting anywhere near my prior activity level would likely do the trick and on the other I seem to be incapable of doing anything I'm trying to do.

(no subject)

Oct. 11th, 2017 03:57 pm
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[personal profile] vvalkyri
Here, have another dictation post. What's on my mind today? How obnoxious I should or should not be to the local Blues community, in that I could conceivably try to put up a poster at Glen Echo about Saturday night Boilermakers dance since they have not been particularly promoting in general. It would be pretty obnoxious of me. Thing is, bamboozled has historically been a pretty good weekend with Thursday and Friday and Saturday and Sunday night dances and Friday and Saturday late night at a Sunday dance that goes until 3 in the morning and workshops all day Saturday and Sunday. That they'd somehow or on the same weekend as the Boilermakers dance is annoying to all of us including them I'm sure and to my surprise they seem to have barely promoted it at all. Ordinarily I might be posting a bunch about it but I'm not excited and I do want to go to some of the classes cuz I expect they will be good and at this rate I expect they will be small. In other news, I really haven't been showing up at flying feet with any regularity because I've been running a crow jams opposite on Monday night and in the picture I might choose to do more aerial hoop classes instead. It's very strange to not think of myself particularly at the dancer. Tonight I usually would try and go out to the acro jam at CrossFit but last night I ended up on the mall at an Acro Jam that it felt like my leaving would drop the safety level and I worked a couple things I probably shouldn't have and annoyed my wrist a bit . So I think I'll end up at lumsfs tonight in Vienna.

Speaking of lumsfs, that gets back to Keith. I enjoyed what parts of half wave I was around for this past weekend and one thing that got me there when I did was another informal Memorial. Although I also kept expecting to see him whenever I walked into the con Suite or a party.

Baltimore science fiction Society will have a memorial midday the 28th. I should probably add something on the Facebook group.

Weird dreams this morning but didn't write so gone.

Talking with whitebird about the California fires is scary. Oakland Hills fire had been worst in California history since the 90s. Had been. He says lots of these were transformer fires because so little humidity.

Got to go now

Blogkeeping note (public post)

Oct. 3rd, 2017 09:07 pm
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[personal profile] uilos
I locked my journal down to my Access List a few months ago. 

I have no objections to anyone talking to people not on my Access List about things read here. 

I know there are/were a number of people reading from outside the DW ecosystem and I apologize shutting you out.

I'm trying to get myself more disentangled from[personal profile] jazzfish and this is one of the ways I can create some distance.


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