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Field Guide to Bullying
Sep. 5th, 2013 05:37 pmDue to a rather unfortunate conversation on Reddit today, I realized that bullying isn't terribly well understood. Or at least, while people think they understand it, they seem to lump a lot of other things in with it.
So, to start out with, some things that are not bullying:
- Saying nasty, racist / sexist / whatever things about a group
- Beating up someone, weaker than you or not (might be a component, though)
- Threatening or harassing speech (again though, might be a component)
These are all despicable things but they're not what I think of when I'm talking about bullying. Bullying, at least in my experience (and believe me, I've experienced a lot) follows a specific formula with a specific goal, sort of like "the abuse script" does in abusive relationships.
What a bully does is this:
- First, they pick out a specific individual to target. You can't be a bully to an entire group of people, by the nature of bullying. Bullies target specific people. Also, the person doesn't need to be weaker than the bully, although it helps. A bully can attack someone stronger than they are.
- Second, the bully starts making small, persistent attacks. Stealing things, spreading rumors, physical attacks, whatever. Threats and harassment work. The key here is that the attacks are individually minor, and not obvious to anyone but the victim.
- Third, the victim will eventually reach a breaking point. This always happens. Always. Remember, the bully doesn't lose anything with their attacks, they can keep it up forever. When the victim eventually does snap, they'll do pretty much what you would expect: a totally disproportionate response to the final attack.
- Finally, the twist: the bully pretends that the victim is the aggressor. This allows a few different options: have an authority figure punish the victim, have the bully split the victim away from their friends, maybe harm the victim's reputation so they're easier to bully next time.
The point here is that the worst damage isn't done by the bully, it's done by everyone else. Bullies are good at making themselves seem like victims; when the real victim does snap it's in a situation where they'll look like an aggressor.
So, what to do about it? Most obviously, if you're not a victim and see something like step four happening, look at the context. See if the person being attacked has it coming. If you see someone isolated and hated because of something they did or said, check if maybe it was after a lot of other stuff was done to them that got conveniently forgotten.
If you think you might see some step two going on, look for the magic words "leave me alone." Remember that even though what you might see is two people fighting, the victim doesn't really have any stake in the fight, they just want to be left alone. Someone who's been bullied a lot will gravitate toward "alone," in fact, and not trust anyone who wants to be around them.
If you are the victim, then in my experience, the conventional advice of "just ignore it and they'll stop" is total bullshit. Better advice, in my opinion, is "strike back so hard that you remove their ability to attack you." You're not trying to drive them away or make them not want to bother you, you're trying to make them unable to bother you. Being in the hospital makes one unable to do most things.
So, to start out with, some things that are not bullying:
- Saying nasty, racist / sexist / whatever things about a group
- Beating up someone, weaker than you or not (might be a component, though)
- Threatening or harassing speech (again though, might be a component)
These are all despicable things but they're not what I think of when I'm talking about bullying. Bullying, at least in my experience (and believe me, I've experienced a lot) follows a specific formula with a specific goal, sort of like "the abuse script" does in abusive relationships.
What a bully does is this:
- First, they pick out a specific individual to target. You can't be a bully to an entire group of people, by the nature of bullying. Bullies target specific people. Also, the person doesn't need to be weaker than the bully, although it helps. A bully can attack someone stronger than they are.
- Second, the bully starts making small, persistent attacks. Stealing things, spreading rumors, physical attacks, whatever. Threats and harassment work. The key here is that the attacks are individually minor, and not obvious to anyone but the victim.
- Third, the victim will eventually reach a breaking point. This always happens. Always. Remember, the bully doesn't lose anything with their attacks, they can keep it up forever. When the victim eventually does snap, they'll do pretty much what you would expect: a totally disproportionate response to the final attack.
- Finally, the twist: the bully pretends that the victim is the aggressor. This allows a few different options: have an authority figure punish the victim, have the bully split the victim away from their friends, maybe harm the victim's reputation so they're easier to bully next time.
The point here is that the worst damage isn't done by the bully, it's done by everyone else. Bullies are good at making themselves seem like victims; when the real victim does snap it's in a situation where they'll look like an aggressor.
So, what to do about it? Most obviously, if you're not a victim and see something like step four happening, look at the context. See if the person being attacked has it coming. If you see someone isolated and hated because of something they did or said, check if maybe it was after a lot of other stuff was done to them that got conveniently forgotten.
If you think you might see some step two going on, look for the magic words "leave me alone." Remember that even though what you might see is two people fighting, the victim doesn't really have any stake in the fight, they just want to be left alone. Someone who's been bullied a lot will gravitate toward "alone," in fact, and not trust anyone who wants to be around them.
If you are the victim, then in my experience, the conventional advice of "just ignore it and they'll stop" is total bullshit. Better advice, in my opinion, is "strike back so hard that you remove their ability to attack you." You're not trying to drive them away or make them not want to bother you, you're trying to make them unable to bother you. Being in the hospital makes one unable to do most things.
